


sweet masochist dream // chensung

by mwah



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: It's a bit sad at the beggining but it ends well, It's my first fanfic so don't be too harsh on it, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 04:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15573648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mwah/pseuds/mwah
Summary: Chenle wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing chasing his dream and he loved Jisung way too much.





	sweet masochist dream // chensung

sweet masochist dream // chensung

 

Ever since he was a kid he loved singing. He loved music and the soft way music emerged from his throat; it sounded beautiful and it sounded like his dream.

But sometime on his way to fulfilling his most precious dream he stopped feeling full. He stopped liking what he was doing. And he looked at himself in the mirror of the practice room and asked himself if it was really worth it. If he was really worth it. All the evenings spent on improving his singing skills and all the tears spilled beacuse of harsh comments; the anxiety before a concert and the dances he had to know by heart.

It all felt like stupid nonesense now. What was he doing for the rest of the world? He couldn't even sing about what he wanted to sing. He couldn't be him in front of the cameras because of the managers. He felt stupid because he looked like a kid but it was their concept and he couldn't change it. He just can't break the barriers they had locked him in, even though they were soft and fragile; he could, in fact, break them, now that he thinks of it. It would be as easy as to throw a kick. Then it all would be finished. Ended. Vanished.

He looked up.

Jaemin was dancing right in front of him. He looked really happy, smiling purely. Chenle didn't doubt he was glad he had comeback.

Right, he simply can't break that barrier. If he did, he would be throwing to the trash his friend's dreams. He loves them too much. Or maybe it was altruism. Chenle couldn't tell.

So he finished the dance and sang his parts the best he could and sank in dissapointment.

"Chenle." one of the managers called him out. "You were off time. You looked terrible all the song, what were you thinking?! You can't do this on the stage, you know that?"

Mark looked at him and noticed puffy bags under his eyes.

"It was just this time. He is tired, let us go before, please." he defended the blonde and Chenle was so relieved he felt like crying.

The choreographer and the managers agreed and dismissed them.

"Thanks." mumbled Chenle to Mark before exiting the room.

He didn't even leave enough time for the older to answer.

Inside the practice room, Jisung was panicking. Chenle had already left and he had most of his things out of his bag. There was no way he could catch him.

Suddendly, he felt a light touch on his shoulder.

"Go, I'll pack them for you." Renjun promised and Jisung smiled, relieved, before rushing out of the room.

Chenle was already out of the building and had music blasting from his earphones, particularly one from this new group from JYP. He usually didn't download any music besides from NCT ones, because he didn't want to forget the lyrics or... something. Anyways, that song was his favourite from that group; when he first heard it he burst out in tears and couldn't stop for half an hour. It was the lyrics, they came just in the right moment. He was having the same breakdown he had had that day and they described his worries perfectly. The piano sinked on his ears and made his eyes wet and before he could realize it he was crying in the middle of the street. It was winter, and his face was cold by now, making his tears hot, warming his face.

Ah, he hated crying. And he hated the most when someone catched him crying, so he pulled his scarf until it covered his nose and cried silently. On his ears, Hyunjin sang the lyrics that broke him and he had to stop to catch his breath.

Suddenly, a hand grabbed his shoulder and he jumped, turning quickly to see who it was.

"Damn, you walk really fast!" complained Jisung, trying to catch his breath.

Oh, right. His other problem. Love.

He wiped his tears from his face, wishing Jisung hadn't seen them. But the boy furrowed his eyebrows.

"Were you crying?"

Fuck.

"No."

Fuuuck, even his voice came out feeble.

"Yes you were, why were you crying?" insisted Jisung. "Was it because of what said the manager? Don't listen to him, he is crazy."

The younger pulled his sleeve up and tried to dry Chenle's face. He started crying again. He couldn't hold it in. It was too much; the anxiety, the what ifs, the lack of self confidence, the lack of passion and the wishes to the moon to please, let him love me back.

Chenle slapped Jisung's hand from his face aggressively and then waddled to hug him.

Startled, Jisung hugged him back and hold onto him until he knew Chenle wasn't crying anymore. 

"Do you want to tell me what happens to you, Lele?" asked Jisung, with his fingers tangled in Chenle's locks.

"Yes please. I don't think I can keep it inside... anymore." he mumbled. "But now let's just... Go back to the dorms."

"'Key."

Chenle looked at the tall boy in front of him. They had been in his room together more than one time. In fact, Jisung usually sneaked into his bed and slept together but this time it was different.

He looked at his jaw while he was removing his jacket. He didn't remember when the cute boy he had fallen for became that hot thing but he loved it. He remembered Jisung's warm hands wiping his tears and it actually burned him. The memory of Jisung's touch burned him to the point where the burning became extreme cold.

Why would he fall for his friend. Why would he fall for a boy.

Jisung turned around and looked at him. Chenle admired his little eyes that maybe Jisung hated but he loved.

"Do you really wanna talk?"

"Yes."

"Okay then," Jisung shrugged. Chenle felt his nervousness and felt bad for making hin hear his stupid and selfish problems. "And do you want a hug?"

Chenle felt like crying. Suddendly, the idea of not coming to SM felt like it would have been the biggest mistake of all his life.

"Yes, please." Chenle extended his arms to let Jisung know his wish to hug him and Jisung almost run to embrace the smaller.

Like always, Jisung's hands left a burn on his skin but Chenle embraced the pain as Jisung had done with him and he started blurting out all his worries.

"I love music, I really do!" he started, not sure what to do next. But just let it all out. "But I feel like I am not enough, I am scared. I don't want to go on with this and I feel claustrophobic when I sing because I feel like I am not doing it right and I can't even dance and I am just a mosquito compared to you and when I sing I no longer feel anything because of the fear of doing it worng but I want to. I love singing but why do I feel so... so empty?"

"Chenle... " mumbled Jisung, separating from him just a little bit to look at the smaller male.

The chinese boy's bottom lip trembled before continuing in a more hushed tone.

"But I can't do this to you guys, I know you love your job and I looked at Jaemin before and I missed him so much when he was gone, I can't ruin your careers and also I can't go back to China. I had fight so hard to get this and..." he paused to get a breath. A shaky, pathetic one. "I want to give up Jisung." And here he goes, crying again.

But this time, he made Jisung cry too.

"D-don't go." he muttered with red trembling lips and red cheeks. "Please, I need you."

"I don't like feeling like this." he complained.

"I feel like that too but my love for dancing is bigger." Jisung explained, calming a bit.

Chenle snapped. Jisung feels like him too? Why? He doesn't deserve it.

"But you are so great dancing! You even distract me when we are practicing! You don't deserve to feel useless like me!" Chenle cupped his face and Jisung hold onto him tighter.

"Chenle, have you even heard yourself? You are the one who shouldn't feel bad." Jisung took a breath. "Our jobs are difficult. We are so young and we even have jobs. But we are doing what we like so all the hard-work shouldn't be worthless. Just think what you feel on-stage."

Chenle remembered all the times he performed; from the first time, when he sang in front of his parents and left them speechless, to that one time when one woman came to him crying after he had sang and thanked him and finally to the last one, feeling like he owned the world, looking at his fans and smiling widely, music blasting through his ears and he remembered how he had shouted.

Tears still kept sliding through his cheeks to the floor but this time he was happier.

He really loved music. Music was so important actually. It made people happy and Chenle was the one making them happy.

"Chenle? I need you fo-" suddendly the door opened and revealed Jeno, stopping in his tracks as he saw his friends hugging each other and crying. "Nevermind." he closed the door and leaved.

The two boys inside the room looked at each other and giggled.

"Poor Jeno."

"Are you better now?" Jisung asked.

"Yeah, I didn't know I needed this so much." Jisung nodded, letting the older go from the hug. "Could you, could we maybe sleep together today?"

The taller smiled cutely and nodded. He walked over to the bed and removed his shoes, ready to go sleep.

"Thanks." Chenle said, shyly, moving so that he was standing in front of Jisung. "Also, I am sorry I scared you before. I don't wanna go actually I was just desperate."

Jisung nodded again.

"Are you sure?"

"Completely. I couldn't leave you."

Jisung smiled, satisfied. He stretched his hand and grasped Chenle's fingers in the slighty dark room. He took his hand softly and pulled him closer, making Chenle stumble a little bit. He guided the chinese's hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. Chenle swore that was the sweetest thing that had ever happened to him.

"You are so special and so hard-working, you shouldn't think you are not enough because you are and those assholes we call managers can eat my ass."

Chenle laughed and blushed.

"They can jump off a bridge and I would clap." he agreed, making Jisung smile and move his adorable nose.

They still had their hands linked after some minutes, when Chenle had found the courage to tell him.

"Hey, Jisung, you are my friend, right?"

Jisung looked offended.

"Of course!"

"And you will be with me whatever i happens, right?"

"Yes! Of course!" he agreed again, pissed. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Because there's one more thing." he simply said before leaning down, cupping his cheeks and placing a small kiss on Jisung's lips. He separated from his face, still closing his eyes. "I love you."

Then he opened his eyes just to see Jisung competely red.

"I love the way you move your hands and fingers and I love your smile and that thing you do with your nose. I also love your lips and your voice... " he said, caressing his face with his thumb. "And those little eyes. They are so pretty. And it's okay if you don't feel the same, I just wanted to let it all out." Well, he lied there.

Jisung didn't say nothing and just kept staring at Chenle's face, still so amused he couldn't talk. Maybe he isn't gay, maybe he doesn't even love me back, he thought. Oh, but he was so sure when Jisung kissed his hand. If Jisung rejects him, Chenle wouldn't know what to do.

"Jisung?"

The boy shaked his head.

"This isn't a dream?"

"No." Chenle furrowed his eyebrows.

The only answer Chenle got from the korean male was a dumb smile that plastered on his face.

"Jisung!" the smaller removed his hands from the taller's face. "What do you say?"

"What do I say to what?" Jisung asked stupidly.

"Oh, c'mon! I kissed you and confessed to you!" Chenle threw his arms in the air. "Do you wanna be my boyfriend or not?!"

Jisung screeched. In a impulse, he reached for Chenle and hugged him to drag him into the bed, getting some dolphin laughs in the process.

Then they stopped messing around and looked at each other. On top of Chenle laid Jisung, still smiling like an idiot. The younger suddendly felt the need to kiss him and he leaned in, leaving a small, shy kiss on Chenle's mouth.

"I love you." he whispered. "So much you can't even imagine."

Chenle was looking at him and he could swear he saw stars inside the night of his eyes.

"Kiss me." ordered.

Happily, Jisung placed his lips on top of the other's and while he left them there, he switched sides so that he was now laying under Chenle and he put a hand behind his head, pulling it closer and he started moving his lips against the others.

When they separated because of a yawn, they silently agreed to go to sleep. But before doozing off, Chenle kissed his boyfriend's nose.

"I love you. I really really do."

Jisung brought Chenle's hand upwards and placed his lips on the center of his palm, looking at him behind his fingers and he thought it would burn but this time it was just warm.

"I do too." And Chenle knew he wouldn't be alone ever, and that his worries would go away as he improved with Jisung at his side.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Hope you liked it, I wrote this at three am yesterday and used it as my therapy bc I am feeling the same way as Lele here so... Pretty good.
> 
> I am sorry if my grammar wasn't the best-my first language is not english, sorry.
> 
> ♥


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